Boundaries: The Basics

Boundaries are my one of my favorite things. I literally have a whole course ready on boundaries. Why? Because they are ESSENTIAL to a person's well-being and safety. I love setting and enforcing boundaries as much as I love when people share their boundaries with me. It allows me to know how to act around them plus it shows me how to love and respect them.

Why should we set boundaries? 

It is a way to let people know how they should treat you and maneuver around you. A boundary is a means to keep you safe from harm (both physically, emotionally, and spiritually). It is a way to know who genuinely loves and respects you and who doesn't (or is incapable of doing so). Boundaries are your general set of rules for how others engage with you and how you engage with others. They are a means to know if someone has violated you, disrespected you, and/or crossed the line. Boundaries are great reference points and defense systems. They are a great way to prevent harm from being inflicted on you. Once someone crosses  a boundary, you can check them and act accordingly, hopefully preventing a full-fledged violation of your being.

How to set boundaries:

1. What will you do? What will you not do? What will you accept? What will you not accept? These are a few questions that will help you generate boundaries. Base them on what makes you feel safe, at peace, and happy. Base your boundaries on YOU. Focus on yourself, how you want to feel and make "I" and "me" statements. 

2. Decide if you have any exceptions or leeway to your boundary/rule. I have specific times of the day when I do not answer my phone, but some days I will answer the phone, depending on who is calling me. A boundary like, "No one is allowed to call me out of my name or disrespect me" has NO give. Determine which boundaries are flexible and which boundaries are not.

3. Write them down and repeat them to yourself. This helps you to memorize your boundaries and to have a visual aid for your own reference. 

4. Share your boundaries. Silent boundaries = non-existent boundaries. If no one knows what your boundaries are, how are they supposed to respect them? Let people know how you desire to be treated and how they need to act when they are around you. You can verbally share this or write out your boundaries and give them to those closest to you.

5. Explain the consequences of overstepping or violating these boundaries. Let it be CLEAR what is going to happen so that there is no confusion.

6. Have an accountability partner. This is not necessary, but it helps SO MUCH! Just having someone there that supports your boundaries and supports your safety is clutch! This person will be able to remind you when a boundary slips through the cracks. A simple, "Didn't you say that you weren't going to ______" will keep you in line!

7. Watch for the reactions when you set your boundaries.

Boundaries help you see people's true intentions. 

8. Adjust and revise as needed. A boundary that you need today may not be a boundary that you need tomorrow. You are allowed to change and edit your boundaries as much as you need to.

9. Check people when they cross a boundary. This can be difficult. Sometimes, you are caught in a whirlwind or don't realize a boundary was crossed until later, but that is okay. If you are not a confrontational person or if you do not feel safe in the moment, it is totally okay to message a person later on saying, "hey, earlier you said/did _______ and I dont feel that it was okay. I would really appreciate it if you didn't say/do that as that doesn't feel right/ make me feel good." Of course you dont have to say these words, but you get the point. 

10. It is always okay to go back and retract what you said if it didn't align with your boundaries and values. Example: "Hey, I know I said I would go to the party with you later, but what I really need is some me time and self-care tonight. Thank you for understanding." Again, you don't have to use these words.

*Tip: It's best to set boundaries in the beginning of a relationship whether plutonic or romantic. It makes things WAY easier down the road.

What makes a good boundary?

This is kind of subjective as there is no real "good" or "bad" boundaries. The boundaries that are for you will make you feel proud when you finish writing them out. You feel accomplished when you stick to them. It challenges you a bit, but deep down you know it's worth it. The boundaries that you set are in alignment with how you desire to live your life and how you want to feel living your life. Remember, its not about other people, it is about you! The boundaries that are for you will probably come naturally.

What to do when someone crosses a boundary?

Now, that is up to you. I will recommend taking time to process everything and not making rash decisions. Sometimes people are not aware that they crossed a boundary, some people are fully aware. First, make sure you are in a physical, mental, and emotional safe space before you confront someone. You never know how someone is going to react in a confrontation. If you need support or even backup, please have someone there for you. You want to make sure that YOU are going to be okay regardless of what happens. It is not the best practice to confront someone when you are drained or feeling emotionally unstable. That won't end well for anyone as you won't be going into the situation with a level head.Depending on a person's reaction to you confronting them, see if their response is in alignment with someone who loves, values, and respects you. If it is not, you then have to make a conscious decision to keep them in your life or to remove them gracefully. Again, I cannot tell you who to keep and who to let go, that is all up to you.

I do have to say this, setting boundaries takes practice. SO MUCH PRACTICE. Even I have to work up the courage to enforce a boundary sometimes. Fear is ever present, but that does not mean you succumb to it. Just today, I had to exercise a boundary and that lead to the termination of a friendship (in a peaceful and respectful way). I say this because I was so nervous and my heart was racing, but I kept taking deep breaths, wrote out what I had to say, asked my partner to be a sound board, and then sent it. I felt better once I did and even more better when the person replied in a respectful way. My partner told me that he admired me for being so brave and that was just the icing on the cake!

So, how do you feel about boundaries after reading this? Do you have experience setting and maintaining boundaries or do you need more practice?