Pleasure, Joy Abundance: The Side of Shadow Work That Doesn’t Get Talked About
When hearing the words “Shadow Side” or “Shadow Work”, people often think of the usual. The stuff no one wants to talk about, the things that make us feel shameful or guilty, the “unacceptable” parts of ourselves, trauma, harm, pain, etc.
What I understand to be included in the Shadow are the parts of ourselves that are: rejected, suppressed, denied, ignored and deemed to not be socially acceptable.
This is usually what you hear people talk about when referencing The Shadow. As I was pondering what I want to work on regarding my Shadow, something came up that caught me off guard, which I would like to explore and share here.
What came up is that the Shadow Side also includes: pleasure, joy & abundance especially as a Black femme. I say this because the world tells us (Black women+ and femmes) that we are not allowed to experience, let alone have, consistent pleasure, joy or abundance. I have seen us as a collective (unconsciously) reject or suppress moments, experiences and relationships that allow us to feel pleasure, joy, abundance and freedom. I witness people in real life and on the internet deny themselves the opportunities to be treated with love, dignity and respect.
What I have witnessed in myself and in others is this very deep seated self-sabotage because we deem ourselves inherently unworthy and undeserving, which often gets reinforced in messages via the media. There is this looming and deeply cellular “I am not good enough, I will never be good enough” that keeps us striving for greatness within a standard that was never meant for us to succeed. In that striving, we are often not in the moment which is where we can truly indulge in, bathe in and lather on the pleasure, joy and abundance. Instead, we get caught in a spiral of seeking to achieve some sort of external validation and even when we arrive at the place we believe will make us “good”, “better” or “worthy” we are unable to truly feel and feel deeply…essentially robbing us of our opportunity to be with the pleasure, the joy, the abundance in a sustained and sustainable way.
One thing that I have said many times is that “I can experience heaven on Earth.” Growing up Seventh-Day Adventist Christian, I would always hear, “my treasures are in heaven” or “my kingdom is in heaven” which to me, creates the perfect environment for one to not assert that they should have pleasurable experiences in this life; that they must wait until they reach heaven to experience joy, happiness, wealth and rest…but who says that you are even guaranteed to get there??? I never resonated with the idea that death is what will bring my reward and that I must wait for death to be happy or wealthy. Personally, I feel as though this has been a societal conditioning to keep people (specifically people of the global majority) meek and to keep them from demanding their birthright, from demanding a life that is not filled with pain, suffering, poverty and working to make someone else rich. Imagine what would happen if people of the global majority decided and demanded that they have their heaven now, on earth….oh the systems that would be overthrown.
On top of growing up SDA Christian, being of Jamaican descent, I was directly and indirectly taught not to “flaunt my happiness” in fear that other people might take it away. It was also masked with not being boastful or too proud, but there is a difference between sharing your joy and rubbing it in someone’s face. “Waiting for the other shoe to drop” aka anticipating that the good times won’t last is also something that I have been pre-dispositioned to. I see it in my family so much. We get or experience something good and we are pulled out of that moment, that feeling because we are “in the future” anticipating what might happen to take our joy away. We don’t share because we are afraid that someone will take it away and that to me sounds a lot like remnants of enslaved mentality that has not been addressed. “If I express joy, massa will come and take away that very thing, even if that joy came from someone I love (a spouse, a child, a family member).”
My husband has also shared with me since we have been together that I more readily express emotions and feelings (low vibe states) such as anxiety, depression, anger, irritation, discontent, frustration than I do more high vibrational feelings. I tend to not outwardly express, happiness, pleasure, contentment or when I do, I don’t allow myself to express the fullness of it. I know it’s because of history disappointment that I don’t allow myself to expect things. I also know that this is because of the people I come from (again, remnants of enslaved mentality).
I will say that in recent years, I have seen more and more Black women and Black femmes (as well as other women+ and femme presenting people of the global majority) reclaim their sovereign rights to pleasure, joy and abundance. I have witnessed these people prioritizing rest. I have witnessed these people indulge in the pleasures of life. I have witnessed these people call in support and even pay for support. I have seen these people appearing to be living their best lives, traveling, loving and being loved on, wearing the clothes that make them feel good, eating food that looks decadent, asking for more from life…AS THEY SHOULD. AS YOU SHOULD. AS I SHOULD. AS WE SHOULD.
As a Black woman+ a part of my Shadow Work is to dismantle the narratives, conditionings and deeply ingrained social + familial norms that say that pleasure, joy and abundance are to remain far from me. That I am not allowed to have and KEEP those things. That if I want them, something has to be sacrificed (like my dignity or safety).
My Shadow Work is to challenge the thoughts that say that I am unworthy and undeserving of pleasure, joy and abundance, to sit with myself to feel into if those thoughts are mine and check within myself to see if I even align with those thoughts.
My Shadow Work is to openly express joy and pleasure, to be open to abundance and believe that I can have, experience and keep these things for more than a fleeting moment. It is to express myself in a BIG way. As much as I express annoyance, discontent and frustration, I must also express cheerfulness, happiness and contentment.
My Shadow Work is to seek out the moments, experiences, things and people that make me feel pleasurable, joyful and abundant. As I seek these things, these things will seek me in return.
My Shadow work is to prune out of my internal landscape what is taking up space and preventing me from having more pleasure, more joy, more abundance, more rest, more freedom, more laughs, more smiles, more fluttering in my heart, more warmth in my soul.
If you have never heard me say it before, I do not believe that the Shadow needs to be eradicated or killed off; it should be INTEGRATED and accepted as a part of who you are. Of course, you can decide if parts of your shadow are helpful or if they no longer serve your highest good. You can always modify or change something about the parts of yourself that barely get to see the light of day, but I want to emphasize that many people think and feel that they have to get rid of their Shadow. I am here to offer a different perspective that doing so might not be the most healthy or effective ways to go about the healing journey.
In closing, allow me say that I can have, experience and keep pleasure, joy and abundance IN LIFE….SO CAN YOU.
Oh, if you haven’t read Pleasure Activism by adrienne maree brown, I HIGHLY suggest you do.
I would LOVE to hear your thoughts on all of the above!