Wrestling with Resentment
Over the past few years I have experienced so much, grown through so much and have undergone many transformations.
If you know me, I love “typing systems” (Astrology, Ayurveda, Myers Briggs, Human Design) because it helps me understand others, but they mostly help me understand myself.
One thing that came ups for me in a lot of the “types” that I fell under was: resentment or bitterness. I notice how it shows up in people’s interactions with me and more important, how it shows up in ME.
In noticing how it showed up in others I observed people projecting their own insecurities, fears, bitterness and resentment on me.
Since I started using social media, I have always been really good about curating my feeds, being conscious of the images and messages that I would see consistently; being aware of how people’s images and words made me feel. I have followed, unfollowed and followed many people. It was nothing personal against them, what they shared simply wasn’t in alignment with what I needed at the time. What always struck a chord with me was that when their posts were back in alignment with where I was and I would go back to their page, they would unfollow me or even block me. I would always get confused by this because WHY? There was never a negative exchange, simply a quiet unfollow and these people took it to heart to “pay me back” or “punish me”. This made me question, where was their own bitterness and resentment coming from?
Although I have been working on myself for years, although I have been aware of my “lower-self” temperaments and my “not-self” themes (aka my Shadow Side), I have come to understand why it comes roaring to the surface.
When I am feeling unloved, uncared for, unseen and unsupported, resentment shows its face and then I hate everybody. I dont want to be around anyone. When people I called my best friends fade away…resentment. When the people I poured so much into forget about me…resentment. When a family member chooses not to show up for me…resentment. When I think about my father…resentment. When I think about the people who have traumatized me and left me to clean up the mess…resentment.
AND what I am coming to the conclusion of is that resentment will probably always be there, but the reasons for resentment showing up are all in the past and it is something that I unconsciously hold on to.
So, I have been asking myself. Is this resentment helpful, in any way? Does it bring me closer to my goals? Does it bring me closer to happiness, joy, peace?
The resentment is real, but the stories it concocts are not always true….actually most of the time, they are fabricated and exaggerated half-truths that support the narrative of the resentment and bitterness.
But what would happen if I stepped outside of the resentment and looked at it objectively? What would happen if I released it? What would happen if I didn’t allow it to swallow me whole and bring me down for days? What would happen if I was more proactive about my joy? (And by no means is this me invalidating my own feelings) What would happen if I choose NOT to feed the resentment?
Knowing that I deal with depression and anxiety, I have to remember that it is a chemical imbalance and it is somewhat an altered state of consciousness. I have to remember that I have the power to CHOOSE. I have the power to decide what it is I want to pour my energy into and focus on. The resentment will probably always be there, just like the depression or anxiety, but I get to decide if I want to sit in it or not. I get to decide how much of my day it takes up. I get to decide how much of my life force energy and my life in general that I will allow resentment to take.
How do you deal with resentment?