Ways That I Have Been Healing Mama My Trauma + The Effects of My Healing
In 2019, Spirit gave me one of the biggest downloads I ever received.
YOU WILL TEACH PEOPLE HOW TO HEAL THE TRAUMA WITH THEIR MOTHERS.
I kind of thought that it was a joke because I had just started healing the relationship with my mother the year before, but when I tell you ALL of the instructions and materials were given to me clear as day….it was apparent that this mission was serious.
I didn’t know the impact that this work would have, but over the last two years, the feedback that I have been given has affirmed that this work is POWERFUL and needed.
What I love most about this work (and ALL of the work I do and share) is that I embody the healing and actually preach what I practice. Sure, I have read a ridiculous amount of texts and attended many classes/trainings, but I truly think the best teacher is life. It is the best feelings when someone who knew me in my early 20’s sees where the relationship with my mother is now and the comment on how much has changed.
Along with doing the work that I share in the Trauma With Your Mama Course and Workbook, here are a few things that have TREMENDOUSLY changed the relationship with my mother for the better.
I admitted that there was a problem. | For years I didn’t care enough to even admit that the dynamics of our relationship was an issue. I mean, I knew something was not “normal”, but I didn’t pursue healing any further. I just thought that was how it was going to be forever.
Made a decision that I wanted things to change. | I remember I told a friend that I was “over” the relationship with my mother and she asked me if that was really true. It unlocked something in me. After a year or so, I decided to be an active participant in my life and decided that things would change. I knew I couldn’t control how my mother reacted or how she showed up, but I could at least state my intention and move differently.
I understood what I wanted | aka I WAS CLEAR ABOUT MY INTENTION. I was realistic about my
I set boundaries. | Boundaries are my best friends and my mama could get it…she still does get it. Sure, creating and setting my boundaries with her was challenging at first, sure she didn’t know WTF to do when I set boundaries for, but I can tell you she got with the program especially because I set my boundaries in a loving way and reminded her (as gently as I could) when she crossed them especially because she didn’t do it intentionally. What Jamaican mother really knows what a boundary is even? I gave her a likkle grace.
I changed my perspective. | I realized that I was actually being ridiculously harsh and unfair to my mother. This is multi-layered.
I understood that my mother could only give me what she had. | This was a major game changer.
Humanized my mother. | I talk about this in my course. I saw my mother as a human with her own life + experiences and not this person who could do no wrong, ever.
I saw my mother as her inner child & listened for when her inner child was in the driver’s seat. | This took me a few years to do. By no means does this mean that I disrespect my mother or treat her like a child. Instead of instantly reacting to her, I would respond to her like a conscious gentle parent would. This usually de-escalated and emotionally heightened situation.
I became open to understanding how my mother communicated & how she subtly communicated her needs. | I started noticing what she was really saying when she was talking to me. I started noticing what she was really asking me. Most times, I realized that my mom wanted to be heard and to be wanted (she has her own mama trauma) so I created space for that. I remember I told her I was proud of her and I kid you not I felt and heard her smile though the phone. I got in tune with my mother, like a parent would.
I began to re-parent myself. | I’m not my mothers responsibility. I absolved her of having to reparent me or give me what I didn’t get.
Focused on healing myself. | I did this instead of focusing on how much my mother needed to heal because this work isn’t about her, its about ME.
I assessed how I showed up and then made a conscious decision to show up differently in the relationship. | I treated her how my inner child and I would want to be treated. I also stopped reacting to my mother in the ways that I usually would react. This caused her to have to change how she showed up because I wouldn’t feed into certain scenarios and if you didn’t know, most mamas don’t like to feel like they have been son’d by their child. They hate embarrassment.
I accepted my mother where she was. | When I stopped applying (unconscious) pressure about how much she should or needed to change and instead just accepted where she was and where we were it actually created more room for organic growth.
Recognized when she did “improve, grow and/or heal”. | I gave my mother her credit when credit was due and let her know that I witness her change. Mamas need to be affirmed as well. They are also humans after all!
In the past few years I have observed how my healing has legit healed my mothers & grandmothers relationship. It has been a big ripple effect. I have said before that I am my mother’s greatest mirror (as she is mine) and whether she ever says it to me or not, I know she has learned a lot from me. She also comes to me about her relationship with her mother, my grandmother. Their relationship is far from perfect or even good, but I can see how my mother is choosing to move differently when it comes to her mother. It is true that as we heal, we heal (7) generations back and (7) generations forward. Showing up in as my authentic self, being rooted in intention and aligning myself with my values not only heals me but also allows healing to occur in everyone that I come in contact.
I understand that many people have not or will not experience the same results as I have because every person and every relationship is different. I will say that even if you want to divorce your mother, her absence from your life alone will do NOTHING. You will not heal unless you do the work on yourself….which is what this work is all about.
At certain points I didn't even want to be in the same room with my mother or allow her to touch me. Now she does my hair!
For a more in depth walk through, check out the Trauma With Your Mama page.