So a few days ago, Spirit STRONGLY told me that I needed to stop having sex, I needed to be celibate. I was a bit reluctant as I have tried before and I clearly did not succeed for long. This time was different. I knew this was something that needed to be done at this point in my spiritual journey. The promptings were incredibly strong. My spirit was tired of giving to these men that did not deserve me. That in a sense “abused” me and took advantage of my love manually, physically, emotionally and spiritually. It was time in my journey to turn inwards, take all of that love that I was dispensing out and applying it ALL to myself. I needed to know what true love really felt like and I needed to love myself wholly and unconditionally. IT IS TIME.
I called on a few members of my tribe who are currently celibate. If I am going to succeed I know that I am going to need as much support as I can get. They agreed to help me and I felt a lot better going into this new phase. Just upon telling them what I am doing, the encouraging words from their spirit poured out and I felt their love surrounding me.
Last night I had a FaceTime sesh with my tribe sistar Neyon. We talked about life & she gave me some pointers on how to release the negative energy that had been stored in my sacral chakra, my womb space. I already had the crystals I needed and clearly my ancestors and angels are always there whenever I need to call on them for help.
My dreams were heavy as well last night. Waterfalls, trains in forests, and me throwing up a water like substance in a steady stream (water is associated with the sacral chakra so I knew that I was ready to release all that needed to be released). I woke up ready. Ready to be free and ready to love myself. I took my crystals that I needed. Rose Quartz, Selenite, and Smokey Quartz. The rose quartz that I used (because I have several pieces) is a yoni egg. Before I began I held each crystal and spoke into it. I told each one what their purpose was, what they are going to help me do, and I thanked them for helping me. I inserted my yoni egg and I laid down. I placed the smokey quartz over my sacral chakra and my selenite wand underneath it overlapping my sacral and root chakra. I covered myself with a light blanket and placed my hand in the yoni mudra over my womb.
I started breathing into my womb space. Sending all breath and life there. It started getting warm. I felt the energy “jump” spontaneously in each ovary. Sometimes it was only one at a time, other times it was both simultaneously. Once I felt like enough energy was built up I began Ovarian Breathing/Microcosmic Orbit breathing. [I learned this through the book ‘Healing Love Through the Tao’ by Mantak Chia. Please THOROUGHLY read this before attempting to practice this kind of breathing] This is pretty much where you inhale, pull that warm energy down the womb, to the perineum, back to the coccyx, up the spine to the head, circulate the energy there, on the exhale you bring the energy down to the third eye, the throat, the heart, solar plexus, & store the energy in your navel or start the cycle again. This went on for a little while.
My ovaries began to hurt. I didn’t know what was going on, but I keep breathing through it. Without words, I reminded the crystals that they needed to help me. I told them that I needed help cutting off every soul tie I ever made, I needed to be free, I needed to release all of the hurt and pain that every man I laid with had caused me knowingly and unknowingly. After “saying” this I felt this huge surge of energy. I went back to memories that I had buried….DEEP. I went back to the rape that I had endured, the sexual encounters that I told these men I didn’t want to have, the physical hurt that they inflicted on me, the energy that they stole. It all came back to me all at once. I recalled every man I had slept with and I remembered every bit of hurt. I also remembered the few men that actually did show me love & pleased me without restriction. I started crying…weeping, it hurt so bad. Like I said, I had buried all of this so deep in my mind so the amount of pain that I felt digging it up and recalling it was excruciating. Through it all Spirit & the rose quartz kept telling me that it was okay, they kept comforting me. They reassured me that this needed to be done. They told me that no matter what these men did to you, no matter how many men you have laid with, you are still worthy. They could never diminish your worth. You still deserve the best. You still deserve love. I kept crying through the pain. I knew it had to be released. Once the pain stopped, there was this warm yellowish pink light that surrounded me. My crying turned into this uncontrollable laughter. I couldn’t help it, it felt so good. The joy that overcame me was incredible, I was free.
I kept breathing and I saw so many things. I saw a pyramid shape pointing down, pointing southeast, I saw a pinkish yellow wall of flowers. I saw this big ball of purple/white energy. I saw a surge of white light that would occasionally cover me starting from the right side. One of the last things I saw started out as this pulsing ball of green energy. I focused on it and I realized that it wasn’t actually a ball but a spiral of this continuous green energy going downwards. I started smiling because I asked for unconditional love and infinite peace….and there it was, within me. Spiraling down from my crown chakra through my heart to my sacral chakra. There was the love that I have been looking for. I finally unlocked it!
I asked my ancestors, my angels and my spirit if there was anything else they needed to show me. There was no answer. I thanked them and came out of my meditation. I know I looked crazy, with dried tears on my face, but I felt this overwhelming sense of peace and calm. I’m not even stressed about this journey into celibacy anymore. I know I don’t need outside conformation or validation. I don’t need any man to tell me that he loves me. I have myself.
I will be meditating a lot more and walking around with my yoni egg in(I still have my rose quartz as I write this). I also ordered a Black Obsidian egg to help me with protecting my yoni and drawing out whatever negative energy that may still be in there.
I am excited for the things that will come out of this phase of my journey. Im excited to know what it feels like to truly love myself completely. I am excited to feel what it is like to take all of the love that I gave without limit to these men and apply it internally. I am excited to learn more about myself, what I am really about. I’m excited to finally and fully embody SELF LOVE.
Have you ever been celibate? What did you learn (about life and yourself)? How long were you celibate?