I am sitting in a beautiful apartment all by myself. My belly is full and I feel warm. To most, I should be smiling & prancing around the hardwood floors…..but I am not.
As much as I want to be enjoying this time by myself, I am vibrating so low. As a matter of fact, I have been for the past few weeks. I have been feeling overwhelmed and “over it”.
It’s funny because most people think depression is this grey looking person who sits in a rundown dirty space. The truth is depression has many faces. I, like most people, do well not to let it show. We go out and smile, dance, have fun. We still glow and help people and act like we have it all together…but the moment we are alone it is like we take off the facade and we’re just there left to deal with ourselves.
This transitional period that started in October when I moved to Georgia from New York has been THE single most challenging thing for me. One series of “interesting” events following more “interesting” events. For me it seems like everything not so good in my life loves to happen all at once or back to back. Like, Universe, can I please have some time to process the first thing before you throw 1 or 2 more things into the equation?!?!?!
I am not going to lie and say that I haven’t had good/happy/positive days and times, because I most certainly have. There have been highs, but twice as many lows (just because I don’t talk about them or share them doesn’t mean that they aren’t there). I will say that I have been fighting off this depression since last year. Things would just happen and it would be a REALLY???? moment. It is like something good comes to me and then falls through my grip like water. Or eating something that tastes so good and then getting food poisoning. I need for good things to come into my life and stay there. I need for joy to stop avoiding me like the damn plague. (There is a difference between happiness and joy. Happiness can come and go, joy is a constant state).
I can feel the depression literally sitting there, waiting on me to slip, waiting on me to give up. I know that if I do, this might just be the darkest place I’ve ever been and it is going to take so much strength for me to get out of it.
I just feel tired. This whole conscious life thing is a lot. & by conscious, I don’t mean the hotep-ing, namaste-ing, go green-ing, power to the people-ing, vegan-ing, eat pray loving type. I mean where I am consciously aware of my thoughts and actions. I am consciously aware of my connection to the universe and the role I play in it. Where I know that I am consciously aware that I can control my entire life. That I understand the meaning of each interaction with other people and their purposes in my life. Where I am still learning/remembering who and what I am. Knowing that my life is MY responsibility and my responsibility only, that NO ONE is going to come and save me (not God, not Buddha, nobody’s Black baby Jesus, no Ganesha, NO ONE). THAT SHIT IS TIRING. My brain is literally tired. Dealing with figuring myself/my life out, dealing with the foolishness that manifests in my relationships to people, the fact that I need to create a steady income to get up out of my mamas house and pay for other things that I need in life, being there for people who need my guidance/help/support (because I am aware of my purpose in other people’s lives), figuring out what I need to eat because Ive lost 15lbs since moving, figuring out how & when I can get the rest of my things from NY, working on my spiritual growth, planning and mapping out future projects, doing my best to love on myself as much as I can…all while doing my best to fight of the damn spirit of depression.
Over the past few months, I have allowed myself to be low. Usually I would beat myself up for feeling that way and make matters worse. Now, I just tell myself that we can feel this way, but it can’t be for a prolonged amount of time. I have allowed myself to sleep all day. I have allowed myself to cry, well weap really. I do my best to make myself eat because I need nourishment of some sort. I don’t get mad foe feeling how I feel because that self-pity & self-loathing makes everything worse.
I’ve talked to a few people about my current situation and honestly very few have really “helped” me although I know they all mean well. I do think it is hard for people who aren’t in my situation (or have never been depressed for that matter) to relate and understand. Literally people telling me “well just be happy”, “cheer up” “well you can’t stay like this, you have to pick yourself up” or my favorite one (which I swear I am going to pimp slap the next person that tells me this) “at least you’re not dead”….NO SHIT SHERLOCK. I think I can speak for most people who have dealt with depression when I say we technically know what to do, BUT IT IS NOT THAT EASY (or else we would have done it, duh. See how that works?)!! Depression is not a thing that you can just turn on & off. It is something you literally have to work through and be mindful of. It takes a lot to self-heal depression.
And I already know that I need to change my perspective on the events and occurrences in my life. I have been doing that. Telling myself that this is building character, that this is all making me stronger. Convincing myself that one day, hopefully soon, I will be able to look back at this time from my beach house and laugh at it all. Telling myself that I need to go through this (for what, I am still not sure). Even though I have been through so much shit in my adult life…I need to add this to the list. All of these changed perspectives haven’t changed a damn thing. Seriously, how much more do I really need to got through? How much more character do I need to build? How much stronger do I truly need to be???
I totally see how people don’t want to take the responsibility to be conscious. It is a whole lot. After reading Conversations with God, which was a REALLY good book, I really began to notice my thought patterns and how often negative thoughts would come, how fast they would come. Doing my best to “think again”, to create a new thought, to think positive thoughts. It is so tiring! Literally changing every thought, tracing back to the original thought & changing that thought then changing the secondary thought to match the new original one. Then another negative thought comes up and I have to change that…the cycle never stops.
I think it is most frustrating when I have the steps for the future…but can’t seem to construct a next step for right now. It is frustrating when people ask me “Well what are you going to do?” & I say, “I don’t know.” and genuinely mean that I really don’t know what I am going to do right now. Where are the answers? How do I get to them? Uhhhhh.
I need to live the beautiful sunshine laden life that I see in my head, but there is a thick fog that is keeping me from really doing it. I need to be at peace, I need to be in a state of joy. I feel as though the voice of my spirit, my soul is being stifled by the loud screams of pessimism and fear. How in the hell do I make these negative thoughts go away and shut up? What will it take for me to get it together and keep it together?
Dear depression, please leave me alone and stop knocking on my door. I am doing my best to love my life. I am doing my best to get through this phase of my journey. I am doing my best to push through. I am doing my best to love on myself. I am doing my best to be joyful and grateful. I am doing my best to process things and change my life while positively changing/impacting the lives of others.
Dear depression. I don’t need you on my ass when I am doing my best to be beyond great. You won’t get the best of me, so F. YOU.
& I share this with you all because I want you to know how real my life is. My life is not perfect, my life is not always sunshine & rainbows. I have things that I need to work through daily. I’m loving myself enough to not beat myself up about feeling this way. The journey of self love is not just saying that you love yourself one day & then all of your problems & traumas of the past magically disappear. This is something that has to be worked on daily, every minute, every hour. I wanted to share this with you because I don’t want you all to get upset when you feel down one day. We are all doing our best.
If you have something you wish to share, please feel free to express yourself as well…you never know who you can or will help.