mental health
Comments 16

Dear Depression, Leave Me Alone

I am sitting in a beautiful apartment all by myself. My belly is full and I feel warm. To most, I should be smiling & prancing around the hardwood floors…..but I am not.

As much as I want to be enjoying this time by myself, I am vibrating so low. As a matter of fact, I have been for the past few weeks. I have been feeling overwhelmed and “over it”.

It’s funny because most people think depression is this grey looking person who sits in a rundown dirty space. The truth is depression has many faces. I, like most people, do well not to let it show. We go out and smile, dance, have fun. We still glow and help people and act like we have it all together…but the moment we are alone it is like we take off the facade and we’re just there left to deal with ourselves.

 

This transitional period that started in October when I moved to Georgia from New York has been THE single most challenging thing for me. One series of “interesting” events following more “interesting” events. For me it seems like everything not so good in my life loves to happen all at once or back to back. Like, Universe, can I please have some time to process the first thing before you throw 1 or 2 more things into the equation?!?!?!

I am not going to lie and say that I haven’t had good/happy/positive days and times, because I most certainly have. There have been highs, but twice as many lows (just because I don’t talk about them or share them doesn’t mean that they aren’t there). I will say that I have been fighting off this depression since last year. Things would just happen and it would be a REALLY???? moment. It is like something good comes to me and then falls through my grip like water. Or eating something that tastes so good and then getting food poisoning. I need for good things to come into my life and stay there. I need for joy to stop avoiding me like the damn plague. (There is a difference between happiness and joy. Happiness can come and go, joy is a constant state).

I can feel the depression literally sitting there, waiting on me to slip, waiting on me to give up. I know that if I do, this might just be the darkest place I’ve ever been and it is going to take so much strength for me to get out of it.

I just feel tired. This whole conscious life thing is a lot. & by conscious, I don’t mean the hotep-ing, namaste-ing, go green-ing, power to the people-ing, vegan-ing, eat pray loving type. I mean where I am consciously aware of my thoughts and actions. I am consciously aware of my connection to the universe and the role I play in it. Where I know that I am consciously aware that I can control my entire life. That I understand the meaning of each interaction with other people and their purposes in my life. Where I am still learning/remembering who and what I am. Knowing that my life is MY responsibility and my responsibility only, that NO ONE is going to come and save me (not God, not Buddha, nobody’s Black baby Jesus, no Ganesha, NO ONE). THAT SHIT IS TIRING. My brain is literally tired. Dealing with figuring myself/my life out, dealing with the foolishness that manifests in my relationships to people, the fact that I need to create a steady income to get up out of my mamas house and pay for other things that I need in life, being there for people who need my guidance/help/support (because I am aware of my purpose in other people’s lives), figuring out what I need to eat because Ive lost 15lbs since moving, figuring out how & when I can get the rest of my things from NY, working on my spiritual growth, planning and mapping out future projects, doing my best to love on myself as much as I can…all while doing my best to fight of the damn spirit of depression.

lilo2.png

literal mood

 

Over the past few months, I have allowed myself to be low. Usually I would beat myself up for feeling that way and make matters worse. Now, I just tell myself that we can feel this way, but it can’t be for a prolonged amount of time. I have allowed myself to sleep all day. I have allowed myself to cry, well weap really. I do my best to make myself eat because I need nourishment of some sort. I don’t get mad foe feeling how I feel because that self-pity & self-loathing makes everything worse.

I’ve talked to a few people about my current situation and honestly very few have really “helped” me although I know they all mean well. I do think it is hard for people who aren’t in my situation (or have never been depressed for that matter) to relate and understand. Literally people telling me “well just be happy”, “cheer up” “well you can’t stay like this, you have to pick yourself up” or my favorite one (which I swear I am going to pimp slap the next person that tells me this) “at least you’re not dead”….NO SHIT SHERLOCK. I think I can speak for most people who have dealt with depression when I say we technically know what to do, BUT IT IS NOT THAT EASY (or else we would have done it, duh. See how that works?)!! Depression is not a thing that you can just turn on & off. It is something you literally have to work through and be mindful of. It takes a lot to self-heal depression.

And I already know that I need to change my perspective on the events and occurrences in my life. I have been doing that. Telling myself that this is building character, that this is all making me stronger. Convincing myself that one day, hopefully soon, I will be able to look back at this time from my beach house and laugh at it all. Telling myself that I need to go through this (for what, I am still not sure). Even though I have been through so much shit in my adult life…I need to add this to the list. All of these changed perspectives haven’t changed a damn thing. Seriously, how much more do I really need to got through? How much more character do I need to build? How much stronger do I truly need to be???

I totally see how people don’t want to take the responsibility to be conscious. It is a whole lot. After reading Conversations with God, which was a REALLY good book, I really began to notice my thought patterns and how often negative thoughts would come, how fast they would come. Doing my best to “think again”, to create a new thought, to think positive thoughts. It is so tiring! Literally changing every thought, tracing back to the original thought & changing that thought then changing the secondary thought to match the new original one. Then another negative thought comes up and I have to change that…the cycle never stops.

I think it is most frustrating when I have the steps for the future…but can’t seem to construct a next step for right now. It is frustrating when people ask me “Well what are you going to do?” & I say, “I don’t know.” and genuinely mean that I really don’t know what I am going to do right now. Where are the answers? How do I get to them? Uhhhhh.

I need to live the beautiful sunshine laden life that I see in my head, but there is a thick fog that is keeping me from really doing it. I need to be at peace, I need to be in a state of joy. I feel as though the voice of my spirit, my soul is being stifled by the loud screams of pessimism and fear. How in the hell do I make these negative thoughts go away and shut up? What will it take for me to get it together and keep it together?

Dear depression, please leave me alone and stop knocking on my door. I am doing my best to love my life. I am doing my best to get through this phase of my journey. I am doing my best to push through. I am doing my best to love on myself. I am doing my best to be joyful and grateful. I am doing my best to process things and change my life while positively changing/impacting the lives of others.

Dear depression. I don’t need you on my ass when I am doing my best to be beyond great. You won’t get the best of me, so F. YOU.

& I share this with you all because I want you to know how real my life is. My life is not perfect, my life is not always sunshine & rainbows. I have things that I need to work through daily. I’m loving myself enough to not beat myself up about feeling this way. The journey of self love is not just saying that you love yourself one day & then all of your problems & traumas of the past magically disappear. This is something that has to be worked on daily, every minute, every hour. I wanted to share this with you because I don’t want you all to get upset when you feel down one day. We are all doing our best.

If you have something you wish to share, please feel free to express yourself as well…you never know who you can or will help.

16 Comments

  1. Makeba says

    I understand completely how your feeling because I suffer from manic depression and severe anxiety. You want peace and joy constantly but it’s not that way even most of the time. What is good to know is that you can consciously know when your falling. The remedy for it is a struggle though. What I do is walk to my garage and back to allow the sun to penetrate my senses. I look at my plants and give them water and food this is turn lets me know I need to nourish myself. We can’t be in control of everything and that’s ok. I love you!🙏🏽💙

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  2. Isha says

    I totally understand where you are coming from and I want you to know that you are not alone. While reading your blog I realized that you and I aren’t that different from each other. I applaue you for actually writing about it versus keeping it all in (venting is always a good thing to do). Like I would say to myself these obstacles occur to test us, to see how strong our mind set is (are we going to give up or are we going to give in). There are days where I feel like just ending it ! However, I realized that I have a lot to accomplish and that I can’t give up! My advise to you is for you to continue to be strong, conscience and peaceful. This won’t last forever I know it ! I have been through it. Love on to you my sister. Thanks for sharing

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  3. Jamila says

    Dear J.chavae
    listen when I tell you I Know exactly what you are going through. And sometimes I still go through it. Some of the experiences I have had with depression would be horrific. Sometimes I have been at my kitchen table eating breakfast or lunch and a feeling of extreme sadness would come over me and I would burst into tears for no reason at all. There have been a lot of events in my life where I should have been happy but I was Depreesed. Like Birthdays or special occasions. Trust me I’m here with you and I know what you are going through and overcoming day by day. And people have told me “your just moody” and “you need to change your attitude” the last episode I have had was around the month of May and I told God please just let me Die because I’m tired of dealing with my life and this shit. With the help of prayer and Asking God to statisfy my soul I have be able to overcome depression. I have had little episodes here and there but nothing like before. I’m overcoming everyday with the help of God and believeing in him. Know that you are not alone and you are greatly loved. Insta @jamilalove1

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  4. Maat maha says

    Sis I don’t know you but follow you on Instagram, and my first taught was did you sage your new home, remember energy can stay in a place for a long time. You might also lighten the color in the room. Love and light

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  5. Fit_Me says

    Thank you for writing this but thank you more for sharing it with us. Reading it did my spirit lots of good. There have been times in the past year that I have felt the same way. Like I’m on the cusp of depression and if one more thing happens, that’s it. Like you explained, and you did it so well, the smiles, laughter and fun that is sometime had is just a part of it. There’s this whole aspect that others don’t see, or understand. At least for me, it was difficult to express this to others as I’ve always been full of joy and optimism. When I tried to, I wasn’t understood, or I wasn’t doing a good job of explaining it. Either way, I didn’t feel like my support system got it.
    I can’t say I know what happened for me, what clicked into place exactly, but I am so happy to say today, I no longer feel that way.
    That joy you spoke of, I get it. I so get it.

    Thanks again. (For sharing in your Insta) Had you not I woul have missed it, and I’m happy to be a listening ear for you. I know how much it can mean.

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  6. My word. This connects. Currently going through the SAME thing. It’s so weird seeing it on a page. Love and strength to you my sister. Continue to experience and fight how you can. It will all work out in the end.

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  7. Armando Sandoval says

    Hello, I just read your entire blog post and it was very moving, it reminded me a whole lot about myself and the situation that I was in for the past five or six months. For me, it had to do with a relationship that I could not get over. I have been through other relationships but this one hit me like a yellow school bus and even after we broke up I could not seem to get her out of my head. It was driving me crazy, it would not let me focus on myself, work, school, friendships, it would eat me up. Days and days I would fall into a pit of despair that I could not get out of, feeling unenthusiastic, low energy, low frequency, and I felt completely lost. I was completely lost. None of my friends could understand what I was going through and although many said that she was no good for me and that I should just get over, I just could not and every thought of her would cut me inside. I was going through a really tough time and I kept on asking and asking the universe, like WTF? Why me? Why can’t I just move on? Why can’t I just stop thinking about her? Why must I feel this way? I asked the universe everyday for answer and I felt like it was going nowhere. I felt like I was going nowhere, but it wasn’t until recently that I started to feel a whole lot better about myself and it was because I realized that the whole time I was denying what had happened. The inside of me was rejecting the idea of her loss, I was rejecting the fact that it was done, I was escaping from the reality that we could no longer be together. I had been escaping the thought of losing her that it kept repeating itself over and over and over. In a way I was resisting change, I was resisting myself from accepting the situation, and it wasn’t until I finally came to accept what happened that everything slowly started to fall into place again. Perhaps your phase is very similar to mine. You are resisting change, you are resisting depression, when maybe you should confront it, accept it, play with it, laugh with it, dance with it. In Conversations with God, Neale Donald Walsch states, “What you resist, persist”, so maybe coming to an acceptance with the change, coming into acceptance with the depression, let it know you are not weak, you are not scared, and that you will get over it. I noticed towards the end of your post you state “I am doing my best to enjoy life, I am doing my best to love my life, I am doing my best to push through, when maybe you can change it up a bit and make a more bold statement to the universe. I AM enjoying life, I AM loving life, I AM pushing through it, ‘I AM’ are the most powerful words in the universe, the most powerful form of creation, so maybe just that simple change in your words can help you a whole lot. I also found it very useful to write things down on a paper everyday, things like “I AM happy, I AM loved, I AM great, I AM divine, I AM cheerful, I AM joyful, I AM blissful” and confirming to the universe that I am those things and bringing them into manifestation. Writing those affirmations down on paper has really helped me get over my depression and maybe it can help you as well. Remember the universe would not put you through something you cannot handle, the universe knows exactly what it is doing and why it is doing it. Stop fighting with it. Lay down and let the universe flow through you and see what it has to say. Great beginnings are always disguised with painful endings, you will get through it, I know so! Good luck and I hope my words helped. Much Love and Light.

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  8. Mimi says

    Sistar Aries. This is what you need to do, express. Not just yoga positions or favourite herbal tea, the ugly side too. The picture above is beautiful. In your dark times you produce art. Accepting all of you the light and dark is the true healer. As an Aries our expectations cause a lot of frustration and we get lost in our own translations. Letting go of some of the ideals and where you think you should be helps create space in body and mind for abundance to occur. That one post you made on insta after hiding for a while has brought many to you. The beautiful ugly truth is what Aries do best. Document your times. Not showering for days, face beat from crying, dirty dishes it’s all truth and expression and you. Your life is art. Your life is an expression of all emotions, keep expressing. (You could be birthing an artistic photographic exhibition on depression) When you don’t express, too much negativity builds up. We are beautiful all the time even in the darkest days. Focus on the now and less of what you think you should have or be doing, be in the present. You have so much love directed towards you from strangers. If we can love you, you most certainly can love all of you. You are not alone.
    Oh and the things in NYC if you have gone this long without them, do you really need them. Let it go. Be free. Being at mums isn’t so bad, it had many pluses. And assuming you have no boyfriend because I know as Aries we friend zone niggas even potentials lol and you have no kids, continue to explore the many cities available to you. Want a beach house, rent a room in Malibu or whatever, teach yoga, write, spread your love. Anything is possible, just one focus at a time.

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  9. Briana says

    Hey! I can’t say I relate bc I’ve never been in a prolonged state of depression (even tho I have my down days OFTEN). However, I want you to know how much you mean to me.. A complete stranger! I started following you over a year ago and have no idea how much I’ve grown spiritually & conciously because of YOU. You inspired me to not only be better but to also stop being afraid to be myself. Unlearn the things I learned growing up to learn the truth and not be afraid of it. I don’t have the words to make you feel better but know your presence here on earth is not going in vain. Stay strong love! God has you, you will prevail!

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  10. amthein says

    Thank you so much for sharing what you’re going through. It takes a lot of courage to put such deep emotion out there to the public like that. I completely understand what you’re going through for I am going through the most depressing period of my life so far. It’s hard when all you wanna do is rise up but something keeps beating you down. When all you wanna do is experience that joy and live in the light when that darkness comes over your head at the most opportune time……feels like you’ll never make it out. Not fully at least and for those of us who suffer from depression it doesn’t just go away but I like to think that whenever we come out of those dark places we become just a little bit stronger when we get to the other side. That maybe when we see ourselves in those dark times again we make it through with a little more ease than the last time we were there. It doesn’t feel like it but with each dark moment you become stronger. Able to deal and handle things a little bit better than the last time. Either way you come out stronger for making it through and you should give yourself credit for getting through so far. I don’t know you but I believe in you.

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  11. Lariany Rodriguez says

    You said it best, this conscious thing truly is a lot. I am so with you on that, you described exactly what I was thinking of today!! As I read your article I am reminded of how important it is to share our truths because it reaches those it’s meant to reach. So thank you. Sending much love and light your way as you go through this difficult time I know exactly what that’s like, not easy to say the least. I am experience my own to some degree. Wishing you so much peace, clarity, strength, love and JOY. May this period in your life bring forth even greater insight and peace.

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  12. Ayanna says

    Peace queen. I’m taking this opportunity to comment because I believe, click after click, I was lead to your page (on Instagram) for the purpose of seeing this post. I want to say THANK YOU. Thank you for this blog post. Thank you for your courage and strength. Thank you for helping to raise awareness of this (particularly in the black community). I actually didn’t get passed the first paragraph before I felt the wave of tears coming. So I stopped reading. I’m already feeling drained today, so I just can’t afford the tears right now. Especially since I don’t always know how long they will last. I will definitely read this fully and hopefully I’ll be brave enough to comment and share my insight. I sense that I too, am to share my experience in this for a higher purpose. I just started following you and I look forward to the content you share. Blessings.

    (And to all whom this post resonates with, I send you all love!)

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  13. Jacquie says

    I have been in some bad depression states, thinking about it now. wow. I have learned alot, bits and pieces in different times of my life.
    1. If you are an em-path not all that depression may not be yours, so if someone is depressed and you going through your own stuff and not realize it…not good. Also note: You can feel other people’s emotions through walls.
    2. If you are depressed don’t wear copper jewelry, its magnifies bad feeling. Wear it only if you are in a good mood. long story.
    3. Creative people are more prone to depression. Depression is the darker part of creativity. You cannot have one without the other they go hand in hand. The depression is telling you need change something in your life and it will not go away until it is resolved. There might something an aspect you missed that is causing a lingering feeling.
    4. The bad thoughts in your head are intrusive thoughts, It doesn’t happen overnight but if you affirm its not true by stating facts and using a thought log. which is very specific. Let me tell you, when I found that out and tried it. I did a happy dance. you cant tell intrusive thoughts to go away they get stronger, and annoying believe me I tried.
    5. Could the depression be old emotions and states of being coming out? Cleansing, Detox, Meditation brings out some…he he interesting stuff.
    6.You cant put a time line on healing, you cant put a time line on when depression is going to end. I tried. I made my self more depressed when it didst happen. It can be years. It took years for me, but I think most of that is from maturity and patience. The teenage years was a bastard lol.
    7. Prescription Meds, Bad. Holy Basil, good. I love Holy Basil in tea form. It helps with weight, stress and anxiety.
    8. There was a point when I stopped creating, journaling, all the fun stuff and went on auto pilot. Nothing happened. I mean nothing happened. he he numb. so you must have a hobby.
    9. Years ago, I use to love reading the people magazine and gossip columns. Oh yea and watched MTV and BET music videos alot! I stopped and felt better.
    Thank you J Chavae for allowing me to post this, you will suceed. Thank you everyone else for your helpful comments, the experience feels different when many people share there own experience.

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