Depression is like this lying nagging voice that yells over your on still quiet voice. It creates situations up, pushes it as real, & then never gives up, repeating that fabricated story over & over. It conjures up some of the craziest & negative things, it amplifies them, & then doesn’t let you forget. I often have to say to myself, is this me speaking or is this depression speaking.
Sometimes I legit feel crazy. You try to control the negative thoughts, be aware of them, moderate them, change them to positive, but then another one takes its place. Then you try to think of solutions, but then that hits another trigger that sets you back to your starting point. Start all over again until you hit another trigger. Then you’re beating yourself up for all that you didn’t, don’t, & cant do. Self-loathing at its best. But you want to stop. You want to be happy, but depression doesn’t give a damn. You want to smile & dance, but depression takes over your body & threatens you, “if you dare show any signs of positivity I will flood your whole being & remind you why your life sucks.” So you just stay quiet & cry. It is familiar. A very familiar feeling. We know this. It’s comforting almost. But now you’re barely eating (because even food makes you happy & how DARE you eat to feel good when you are dealing with depression) & you have bags under your eyes. You try to not wear black all the time to not let people know you are feeling this way.
You try to build a wall across your eyes while you are in public so you don’t randomly outburst with tears. The depression allows you to conjure up a fake smile & a shallow conversation, but let anyone close to you ask you what’s wrong or if you are okay….& it’s over. You just breakdown & sob. All you can manage to say is, “I’m feeling depressed, but I will be okay.” Because deep down inside you feel like this isn’t anyone else’s problem & how can they really help? You feel like a burden although a handful of people said you can reach out to them & just cry if you need to, but depression tells you they don’t mean it so keep this shit to yourself.
You suffer silently. & this is somewhat normal. You’re used to this. You have been doing this your whole life. You isolate & dissociate because for years no one understood so you would rather not even take the chance of seeing if someone new will get it & actually help you. This coping mechanism comes from growing up in a Jamaican Christian household where your only options are to pray it away, best it out, or ignore it. So you become aloof & downplay your pain because that’s what you are taught. You are a strong black woman & you can’t/don’t have time to be dealing with a mental illness because you have to fight “the man” & racism, & sexism in order to stay alive…..that’s what you are taught. There is no room for sadness. Buckle down, get it together, & press on.
Then you finally get to a place of self-love & self-care, but deep down, your original thoughts still make you feel guilty for feeling depressed. You feel like you are letting so many people down. You feel like you are letting yourself down. You don’t want to go to work & deal with people let alone talk to them, but you have to make money because how else are you going to pay your bills? No one is going to do it for you? How can you even save your money to move out when you can barely afford to keep yourself afloat? You were supposed to have it together by now, remember your plan? What a failure…yup. There goes depression talking crap again. Okay so you have to work. Right? The universe is providing, but only if I put in work because how will money magically appear in my bank account?
I’m so tired. I just want to sleep. Be held & sleep. At least I have a boyfriend who pretty much gets it & can sympathize. Butt don’t talk about this depression thing too much because you don’t want to push him away & project all this negativity onto him. This is a new thing, you know. Don’t overwhelm him. But then again, he’s supposed to be my partner right? But yea, they say that but too much of this negative energy will push anyone away & then you’ll end up alone.
Ugh. Shut up. I just want to rest. Unplug from everything. Retract away from society. Don’t think about anything besides your breathing. “Inhale”. “Exhale”. Maybe you should do some yoga when you wake up, or read. Eh, nah. Just sleep. Okay. “Inhale”. “Exhale”. Or maybe try reading something. Call someone to tell them what your feeling while hoping they don’t pick up. I just want to sleep. “Inhale.” “Exhale.” Just sleep.
In no way is this a sob story. I do not need a pity party. This is no “poor me” or me playing the victim. This is what I have been dealing with for the past 10+ years. The series of thoughts that go through my head.
Dealing with & overcoming mental illness without medication is not easy (nor am I saying that dealing with medication is easier nor am I condescending those that choose to/can afford to take medication for any mental illness). It is a lot. Constantly checking yourself & your thoughts. Being aware of everything & trying to fix it yourself is very taxing on the mind, body, & spirit.