It is currently day 5.
Yesterday made 4 days of me being in good spirits. I do not know if anyone else feels this way, but when dealing with depression, when feeling good….you feel bad for feeling good. It sounds crazy, but it is a very true statement. Your body gets so used to the “bad” that feeling anything other than what you are accustomed to feels like you are cheating on the very thing you consider the norm.
Also, depression was a very valid & good reason not to do anything and to get out of everything. I still do not feel like talking to many people, but I don’t even feel right using “depression” as an excuse right now.
Turn of events. (I had started writing this earlier, but life)
Yesterday evening I had a chat with my boyfriend about having a serious fear of being cheated on (because no man to date has been faithful to me, whether in a committed relationship or a supposed “situationship” where we are not dating or being intimate with anyone else). It wasn’t necessarily him that I was worried about, but whomever was granted the title boyfriend. I do not want to be defined by my past, nor do I want to shape my future in that mold, but it is hard when I have NEVER had a healthy interaction with someone I was intimate with. It is hard to know the opposite of lying, infidelity, manipulation, etc, when there is no example to compare it to.
Then the conversation turned into me getting triggered by the fact that I do not have my own space. My own place to live that I can go back to. That I can cultivate the energy and feel that I want.
I often find myself in spaces of unworthiness, getting lost in the thoughts of everything that is wrong and everything that is wrong with me. I do not gloat about it, but this happens more than I would like to admit. Sometimes it is as if I wait on when things will get worse. This does not feel like depression, but it does not feel good. I force myself to think of all of the things that I am grateful for, but that Ego comes in to remind me of what I do not have (yet). I have so many things envisioned in my head, it is frustrating when they are not visible in your physical reality.
Then I started to get upset with myself. I was doing so well. 4 days of goodness. I had good news the day before, I met up with a new friend earlier over tea. I am supposed to be happy dammit! Then the cascade of negative thoughts came rushing in. Compile that with the fact that I just want to live a happy life. I want to live in the state of creation & not in survival mode. I am over survival mode.
Tears start falling uncontrollably between you trying to push back the negative thoughts, trying to remain grateful, beating yourself up about not beating yourself up in regards to taking a few steps back in your progress.
Triggers triggers triggers.
It is after midnight. I held my phone in my hand mentally scanning my contact list for who I can call. Boyfriend is for sure sleeping & has to get up early for work so do not bother him. Other friends come up, but again, you don’t want to be an inconvenience. I call one best friend. No answer. Called one other friend. No answer. Understandable, but it still makes me feel bad for even calling them so late.
Tears are still falling. Phone still in hand.
I need help. I really need help right now.
Who can I call? Who can I call????
I call my mom. All I can say is, “Mommy, I need you. Can you come here?” in between tears & snot filling my nose.
I can’t stop crying. She tries to talk with me, figure things out. She tries to reason. She gives me her advice. I keep saying, “I know. I know. I know.”
I know she is doing her best because I don’t let her in, I don’t tell her what is really going on with me. It isn’t helping. My rational brain isn’t helping. I really don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know what to do. I do not know.
“This isn’t helping” in between sniffles & quivering lips induced by the tears.
Then breathing goes all the way off.
Full blown panic attack. Great.
I can’t breathe. Hyperventilation. My nose is stuffed from the crying.
Focus on breathing.
It hurts. It hurts to breathe. It takes everything in me to calm down. I am kneeling on my bed, leaning forward, because it takes to much for me to be upright, but I can breathe better when I am up right. Breathing is all kinds of erratic. FUCK!
I don’t know how long that lasted, but I get my breathing back to somewhat normal. I lay down. My face is tingling. It feels stuck. It takes so much energy for me to open my eyes, I can only manage a kind of squint. My top lip is stuck in a kind of pucker.
I think I can literally hear all of my nerve cells firing. My body is in shock. My face is still tingling. My lip is quivering. My hand/arm starts to shake uncontrollably. I remember in my yoga training that in a traumatic/stressful event, the body often shakes to discharge the energy. I let it happen. I am drenched in sweat so now I am cold. My mother puts socks on me & puts the covers over my body. I manage to text my boyfriend what happened (it took me maybe 10 minutes to write 3 short incomplete sentences). I’m so exhausted. Everything is exhausted.
I finally fall asleep.
This mess makes you feel like a serious unproductive & purposeless member of society. But maybe society is just set up wrong. Making you believe that you have to work work work. Always do something. Make more money. Live better. Have nicer things. Be able to live on your own. Maybe the society we live in is making things worse. We are made to feel guilty for feeling, for having human experiences, for needing time to focus on your mental health. Society makes you a good liar, a good actor. We put on face, smile, laugh, & only talk about things that make people comfortable. We don’t dare be vulnerable to strangers, tell them the truth about our lives because we are taught that they will hurt us, use it against us, look down upon us.
It is a vicious cycle, this world we live in. The times we live in. It is viscous. It is cruel. & I am tired.