I wake up & before I open my eyes, I know that it isn’t going to be a day filled with sunshine & rainbows, even though I want it to be.
I lay in my bed for hours. It feels as though my body is disconnected from my mind & no matter how much I will myself to get up, read, do yoga, etc, my body refuses to move. So I lay there.
All of the thoughts come to my mind at once & I try to sort them out. I really would like to prepare a delicious & healthy meal. I feel as though I have hypothyroidism, but I cannot get that confirmed by a doctor because I can’t even afford the co-pay & even if I had to go back, my health insurance runs out in less than a month.
I check my bank account $9.36. I let out a “ha”. I check my email & I see that WordPress withdrew $99 from my PayPal balance (which I was saving for purchases for my brand, On Self Love). I check to see how much money I have left in my PayPal balance because the supplier for my bottles sent me an email to say they will be withdrawing the money from that purchase, $31.40 to be exact. My PayPal balance reads $0.31. My car payment is due in 4 days & my insurance is due in a week. I still have to find a way to feed myself & get to work for a few more days.
Out of nowhere, I start to laugh & cry simultaneously because this is all a joke. This is all a big joke. All I desire is to be able to take care of myself. To feed myself, to put gas in my car, to buy weather appropriate clothing, to fund my brand & my organization….but I feel stuck in this cycle.
Every time I see hope, a huge wave crashes over me & pushes me back away from the shore. I am just incredibly tired.
On top of everything else I deal with an extremely shady person in regards to my organization.
I am absolutely tired of people volunteering their services, saying they want to help & then falling through, not doing as they said they were ESPECIALLY because this is for things bigger than myself. All of this lying further strengthens my trust issues with people.
I lay in my bed & stare at the ceiling. Tears fill my eyes & then cloud my vision before they fall down my face. I manage to muster up strength to get up & go in the bathroom to take a shower. I take of my tie-head to put oil on my scalp before I go in the shower. I catch a glimpse of myself & something within me says “well at least your hair is growing & it looks nice”. I begin to hysterically laugh again & the laughter turns into weeping. Deep, from the belly weeping. I fall to the floor & use the toilet to support me. It feels so hard to breathe & I just want to lay down. I am alone in the house so I remind myself to breathe because if I hyperventilate & pass out, there will be no one there to help me. I slow my breathing, but the tears keep falling.
I get in the shower & just sit there. I keep saying something over & over again, but I can’t remember what it was at the moment. Then I say, over & over, “things have to get better. It has to get better.” All the while I am wondering why. Why have I been stuck in this stupid cycle for so long? Why can I not take care of myself? Why is it that I am almost always left with damn near nothing? When is the abundance going to manifest? When am I not going to have to worry about this money thing? When will I feel secure?
I stand up & I feel so heavy. My legs feel like they are attached to cement bricks. I just stand there & muster up more strength to get out. When I do get out of the shower, I feel the sorrow turn into anger. This makes me more upset because I do not want to feel angry. I don’t need another negative emotion to sit in my bones or inhabit my body.
I get in the bed naked & half wet. I fall asleep. Sleep is good. It makes me feel light. I don’t have to deal with the shit & I am free. I wake up three hours later & I feel better for all but 5 minutes & everything starts to come back.
It is 2:30 as I write this & I still have not had anything to eat. I am not hungry & still feel nauseous.
I sit here waiting to clock in to work, writing this & I want to be far far away from here. I am absolutely over this state. I am starting to resent Georgia. I don’t want to be here anymore, but where am I supposed to go with no money? What am I supposed to do? That is what frustrates me the most, I don’t have an escape/rescue plan. Everyone spits the rhetoric “stay positive” “your abundance is on the way” “you’re going to be okay” blah blah blah…I have been following the rules & universal laws for a year & a half & I feel like I am worse than when I started. At this point, I want answers. I need to see results.
I am focused on my work. On my brand, on my organization, but I have yet to see the fruits of my labor. I have yet to see what this all was for.
I don’t want to sell my soul, spirit, or heart for the sake of money, but the freedom of the aforementioned still does not produce true freedoms or security. I just need a balance. A simple balance of doing something I love & being paid to cover my needs, to not have to live paycheck to paycheck.
This is what depression looks like. This is what one level of “poverty” looks like. Having to choose between bills to pay. Having to choose beteeen focusing on bettering the spiritual, physical, mental, or emotional.
I’m just tired. So tired. Wake me up with the joke is over.