All posts filed under: Words

Dear All Lives Matter

Please before I go ALL the way in, let me state that this post is not directed at my lovely friends and followers who happen to be white and understand REAL history, know what racism is, want to help stop oppression, do not agree with white supremacy, and/or can sympathize/empathize with the plight(s) of people of color in this day and age. Also, let me disclaim that “I don’t see color” and “we are all one race, the human race” doesn’t apply here because in the real word, I am judged FIRST based off of my skin complexion and my afro hair. Also, if you “don’t see color” you also don’t see “my problems” there by deeming me inadvertently crazy or reducing my experience to an overactive imagination. As we proceed to give you what you need. Dear “all lives matter” let me break it down for you a little bit. I understand that a person born of a certain social construct and skin complexion are taught certain things from birth. You are taught that …

03.21.17

I wake up & before I open my eyes, I know that it isn’t going to be a day filled with sunshine & rainbows, even though I want it to be. I lay in my bed for hours. It feels as though my body is disconnected from my mind & no matter how much I will myself to get up, read, do yoga, etc, my body refuses to move. So I lay there. All of the thoughts come to my mind at once & I try to sort them out. I really would like to prepare a delicious & healthy meal. I feel as though I have hypothyroidism, but I cannot get that confirmed by a doctor because I can’t even afford the co-pay & even if I had to go back, my health insurance runs out in less than a month. I check my bank account $9.36. I let out a “ha”. I check my email & I see that WordPress withdrew $99 from my PayPal balance (which I was saving for purchases for …

Day 5 | 12/06/2016 | 9:30am

It is currently day 5. Yesterday made 4 days of me being in good spirits. I do not know if anyone else feels this way, but when dealing with depression, when feeling good….you feel bad for feeling good. It sounds crazy, but it is a very true statement. Your body gets so used to the “bad” that feeling anything other than what you are accustomed to feels like you are cheating on the very thing you consider the norm. Also, depression was a very valid & good reason not to do anything and to get out of everything. I still do not feel like talking to many people, but I don’t even feel right using “depression” as an excuse right now. Turn of events. (I had started writing this earlier, but life) Yesterday evening I had a chat with my boyfriend about having a serious fear of being cheated on (because no man to date has been faithful to me, whether in a committed relationship or a supposed “situationship” where we are not dating or …

An Insight as to What it is Like to Deal With Depression

Depression is like this lying nagging voice that yells over your on still quiet voice. It creates situations up, pushes it as real, & then never gives up, repeating that fabricated story over & over. It conjures up some of the craziest & negative things, it amplifies them, & then doesn’t let you forget. I often have to say to myself, is this me speaking or is this depression speaking. Sometimes I legit feel crazy. You try to control the negative thoughts, be aware of them, moderate them, change them to positive, but then another one takes its place. Then you try to think of solutions, but then that hits another trigger that sets you back to your starting point. Start all over again until you hit another trigger. Then you’re beating yourself up for all that you didn’t, don’t, & cant do. Self-loathing at its best. But you want to stop. You want to be happy, but depression doesn’t give a damn. You want to smile & dance, but depression takes over your body & …

They Want You To Talk

They want you to talk Talk & talk & talk Talk about your life Your problems Where you have been Where you are going. They want you to talk So they can talk So that they can tell you about their life Their problems Where they have been Where they are going But they don’t ever want to take the time To listen They don’t hear the sorrow in your voice Or the half hearted laugh They don’t catch when your words get soft Or your gaze turns down When your eyes fill slowly with tears But you smile to keep them from falling The don’t hear when your breathing gets heavy Or when you forget to breathe all together You let out a sigh You space out, retreating in your head & you have to chuckle, nod your head, & say “mmhmm” because you blanked out. They cant tell that you’re tired That you just want someone to hold you & listen to you as your heart sings But they want you to talk. …

To the Women of Color Who Fight Off Depression

To the women of color who fight off depression Many don’t realize the constant struggle of warding the darkness off & functioning in society Most wouldn’t even know because we smile & talk as if we are fine and the moment we are to ourselves, floods of salt water release from our eyes. Many won’t know that sometimes we feel crazy, fight for our sanity Because depression is ever knocking on the doors of our hearts Yelling over the voice in our mind & we just want it to STOP We just want to feel normal & focus on getting our lives right. Providing for ourselves & our families. Being there for our loved ones. It is fighting a battle on both sides Where you want to press forward, but someone is holding on to one arm, pulling you back. While walking in quicksand You do your best to keep your breath. But you are tired. So tired. Your body wants to give out. Your mind wants to give up. But your spirit still whispers …