I Asked for Freedom…but I Was Not ready

Since I started my healing journey, I have asked for, prayed for and aspired to FREEDOM. Deep down above all else, that is what I wanted. Freedom, after all was/is probably my top value.

In November, my husband and I moved to México, one week after returning from our anniversary/honeymoon vacation in Jamaica that he paid for and planned. I do not say this to brag, but to express that I technically didn’t have to worry about too much that month.

In Jamaica, I noticed how happy I was, how in me not having to think about what we were going to eat, what errands had to be run, what tasks needed to be accomplished, there was room to simply be. We woke up with the sun, ate delicious and healthy food, spent most of the day on the beach. The ocean was our daily lullaby. We had an abundance of food, air/breeze, salt water, sun and earth available to us. People asked us multiple times if we were okay, if we needed anything. It was my first time feeling what it was to live in luxury and abundance (to be clear, this has more to do with the experience of luxury and abundance rather than how luxury and abundance “should” look).

Once we got to México, there was a sense of nothingness in the best way. I didn’t feel the pressure to consume or to buy. I didn’t feel any anti-Blackness. I barely did anything the first few days. My husband and I would eat, sleep, explore and that was it. I felt safe and free, so what was there to do now? What was I supposed to do with these new feelings of safety and freedom?

I had so much space, more spaciousness than I have ever felt or experienced in my life and it was….strange. I did not know what to do with this spaciousness, with this freedom. I am in a safe place, the cost of living is so affordable, people are so warm, I technically don’t have to think about survival right now….and that opened the floodgate for my feelings and emotions.

Things that I thought were healed, feelings I thought I dealt with came bubbling up to the surface all at once. My being, my body, my spirit, my nervous system had the space and they all teamed up to say, “Great! She is wide open. It’s time to address all of these things NOW!”

So in that space, everything came up and so many realizations and revelations disturbed me. I was free and I wasn’t ready for what came.

On a deep level, I understood how much of my life was lived people-pleasing. I had uncovered that earlier this year, but it hit me on a cellular level and I felt sick.

I realized how much resentment for my family, the man whose sperm produced me (he doesn’t deserve the title of father), the people that have traumatized me, and my mother that was still present and affecting me [you can read about that here].

I realized how even though I do practice expressing healthy boundaries, I still need to more. I needed to change the dynamic in the relationship with my mother and how I showed up in the world. I wanted to show up for The Work, but the internet feels so loud and congested…I didn’t want to add to the noise.

It was revealed how I dont know my own worth and the value that I bring to people’s lives, how potent The Work that I share is. I was told how much I forgot how powerful I am and that it is okay to show up as my full self; I got too concerned with other people’s opinions even though they didn’t and probably will never have The Vision.

I was shown how I have been slacking big time on my spiritual hygiene. How I have so many tools in my tool belt, but I don’t use them, especially when I am feeling overwhelmed. I was shown how I leaned way too deep in feminine energy and needed to bring my Divine Masculine back, but this time in balance with my inner Divine Feminine.

It was revealed to me how in people-pleasing, I rushed my marriage. As much as I wanted and still want it, I was not prepared. Everyone told me to get married, that was the “right” thing to do, but no one educated me or prepared me for what marriage truly is.

I was afraid that I would never be healed enough to have children because I don’t want to traumatize them. I wanted to show up for them in all of the ways that my parents did not and could not show up for me. I know too much about childhood development and trauma…it stressed me out.

Everything overwhelmed me to the point of literal immobility and depression. I couldn’t even form proper sentences for a few days. I was inundated with how much “work” I had to do, but after healing myself for almost ten years, ya girl is TIYERT. I recovered and then a week later, the waves of realization and revelation took me under again (look out for the post from that emotional submersion).

I am grateful for a healthy relationship with my husband, a phenomenal therapist/coach and friends who are supportive enough to give me space when I need it and closeness when I need that.

In asking, praying, desiring and intending on embodying freedom, I don’t think I knew what would really happen when I got here.

In talking to my friend Rachel Ricketts, she helped me remember to give myself even more grace because even though I wasn’t prepared for what I asked for, I was still in survival mode, in healing mode….so truly, when was there even space or time to prepare?

I gave up the guilt that “I wasn’t ready” or that I fucked everything up. I stopped beating myself up because after years of healing, I needed rest and support…and that is something I am absolutely worthy of. Instead of consistently beating myself up, I became hopeful that my curiosity and remembered determination would help me rediscover myself in this new found freedom.

I wasn’t ready before, but I am ready now!