Oh, Baltimore. (a free write)

It has only been a couple of weeks off of instagram and twitter, but already, I have been receiving so many downloads and bursts of inspiration.

The first lines of this poem/free write came to me when I was in the shower last night and I had to flesh it out.

Please let me also preface and say that by no means am I shitting on Baltimore or that I hate it. There are many beautiful things about the city and I am sure if circumstances were different, I would have had a different experience with Baltimore. Even though that city was rough on me, it taught me a lot about myself, especially in retrospect. For that I am forever grateful, despite the pain I felt there. Also, Baltimore has THE BEST food spots (literally so many of them) that my Taurus moon/rising could NEVER fully hate it.

Oh Baltimore,

I was once unafraid

Wild & free & unable to tame.

But you broke me.

You 

Not the neglect

Not the abuse

Not the men

Not the lack of consent

Not the calling out of my name

Not the hands around my neck

It was you.

You managed to put fear in my heart

With no barrier between you and I

You rubbed me raw.

The ravens flew high 

& they cawed.

Warning me

Letting me know that

You had your eye on me

Laughing that you

A city

Was the one to break me.

The things that I saw

Were the same things my mother tried to protect me from.

And it got to my soft & wild heart.

You, Baltimore. 

You tore me apart.

With the gun shots

& the pot holes

& the heroine leans

& the sex workers in the streets

& garbage that could never find the can

& the trauma

Oh, you are heavily blanketed with trauma

But still there was beauty

You see

All of the beautiful Black faces

The cafes

& the music

& the BLACKNESS

& the red clover + cornflowers I foraged in abandoned lots

& the smell of honeysuckle on the way to the bus stop

& the sunsets

The sunsets were the best.

Baltimore.

What a hard city you are

You produce a hardness that is a bit difficult to explain 

& the cure to the hardness a bit hard to procure. 

You were literally driving me crazy 

so I had to leave.

You were so cold to me

It was so cold the day we decided to leave

The community upheaved by wild audacity

But still, I was a little fire 

& I found other little fires

& we did our best to be alright 

Because you were cold

A cold little bitch that broke me.

But you did teach me something.

I’m stronger than I thought

And even though I am still raw and tender,

Trying to put myself back together

Remember my wildness

Remember my freedom

You taught me that even though I was broken, 

I could still hold it together.

I don’t miss North Ave

The LIME bus

The harbor

The crabs

The “I don’t give a fuck about my life so I sure as hell don’t give a fuck about yours” disposition

But you reminded me of my mission

Be a mirror.

Be a light in the darkness.

I wish I could have done more for you,

Baltimore

Because you did a lot for me.

Now I can see 

You have reminded me

To live life as colorful 

& warm

& vibrant

& loud as I can be

Because you broke me down,

But you didn’t kill me.