What I Have Been Leaning Into Lately: October 2021 Edition
I don’t know if this will become a thing that I do every month, but I wanted to share what has been coming up for me and what I have been leaning to (and subsequently leaning away from) these past couple of weeks.
There won’t be much structure to this besides me wanting to share what is going on in my head in a safe and sacred space. I tried to put this in some kind of order, but really everything is related to each other so just flow with me, okay?
1. Social Media. Boo, I really do try, but social media is exhausting. Perhaps this is a call for me to revisit my boundaries with social media and adjust so that I don’t feel so spent. I don’t know what it is, but when I am posting on social media, I constantly check it. When I am off of it, I am completely off of it. I’ve been working on not being so extreme, but this is one area of my life that I need to tend to. The plus side is that I DO actually feel that tingle that I felt almost 8 years ago when I was “collecting”/attracting my tribe.
2. This brings up my feeling of isolation. Where I currently am (Athens, GA), I barely have any human contact or interaction besides my husband. The last time I was feeling isolated (when we lived in Baltimore, MD), I at least had people that I was developing friendships with. I went out with them, I worked at places where I was interacting with humans all day, and I had somewhat of a social life outside of my relationship. Here…it’s just me (or me & hubby) 99% of the time. Do not get me wrong, I LOVE being with myself and I LOVE my husband, AND my desire for tribe/community is aching me to my core. I know that this will not last forever, BUT IT STILL SUCKS. At least I have the company of my ancestors, guides, and highest self, right?!
3. Healing my Inner Divine Masculine Trauma (and therefore my relationship with money). So for the past 7-8 years, basically my entire conscious spiritual journey, money has escaped me. For years the most I was making a month was $1,200. That is WILD and highly unacceptable. A couple weeks ago, I was so frustrated with seeing a negative sign in my bank account, I stared at my ancestral altar and basically demanded that they tell me why the F my relationship with money was so jacked up and what do I have to do that change/fix it? What they told me verbatim was, “Your father issues. You have a hard time believing that the physical/tangible will show up for you, support you, provide for you, be there for you.”
Well….Truth be told, I hadn’t yet healed my papa trauma (Trauma with Your Papa coming as soon as I heal it lol). Also, when I was making nuff money, I was operating as a man. It was very, “F you, I’m focusing on and getting my money. No one can stop me. Nothing can stop me.” Unfortunately, because I was operating from such a masculine place, I was attracting very feminine men in the sense that all they did was TAKE and never give. I was tired of it so I leaned (all the way) into my Divine Feminine and honestly abandoned my inner Masculine.
After my ancestors gently came for my neck, I actually connected with a paternal, masculine/male ancestor. He told me that all I have to do is BE. I don’t need to do anything but allow him to move for me, on my behalf and provide for me. My work is to TRUST that my inner Divine Masculine + my male ancestor(s) will show up for me and provide for me, & OBEY the instructions of my inner Divine Feminine + female ancestors.
This has been a bit anxiety inducing, but then I remember that they nor God has failed me yet so all I need to do is TRUST + OBEY.
4. Slowing down. This has been another challenge for me. Being that Aries + Taurus make up my Big 3 (sun, moon, rising) I am all about ACTION + DOING, but everything in my being has been telling me to slow down almost to the point of doing nothing…well at least doing the least. In this slowing down, Spirit has also been telling me to STUDY sacred and healing arts, which I do have time for now that I am no longer doing the most. All in all, I have been gentle and compassionate with myself and I tell myself that I am allowed to take my time.
5. Reading on a Kindle. Who would have thunk it. I remember getting an e-reader almost 10 years ago and I HATED IT. I don’t think I was able to finish even one book on it. I ended up just giving it away. I have already finished one short story and I am currently reading Binti by Nnedi Okorafor. It is an African Futurism book and it is SO good thus far. My goal is to oscillate between Black fiction/sci-fi and self-help books to keep my reading in balance.
6. Podcasts. When I tell you I am shocking myself every day regarding what resonates with me now. I suppose that is past of the magic of the journey….I am constantly learning and relearning myself. The podcasts that have been HITTING are Beyond the Self with Africa Brooke and Go(o)d Mornings with Curly Nikki. These podcasts have really helped deepened my introspection and are helping me develop new neural pathways + thought patterns which will eventually help me create new habits.
7. Sound Healing via tuning forks. This has been helping me SO MUCH! I have five tuning forks which have helped me calm my nervous system. I have used them when I am feeling highly anxious or depressed, right before bed, or whenever I feel like I need a “tune up”. Lately I have been literally resonating with 432hz and 528hz. According to my research, 432hz is the frequency of the Earth and 528hz is a frequency of love + DNA repair. I have known about tuning forks, but I have been using them way more regularly…almost every day. It is something about the physical frequencies touching my skin (& going deeper than the skin) that makes me feel like this is different from just listening to music set to these frequencies. I would recommend doing your own research.
8. Random introspective questions. I feel as though I have been more curious than I usually am (and I am already highly curious). I have been asking my ancestors, my Highest Self, and Source so many questions…and not in a negative or low vibrational way, just sheer deep interest in knowing and understanding. Personally I feel like all great answers and revelations came from great questions. The process of digging and sitting to hear/see/realize the answer(s) is incredibly joyful to me.
9. “Thinking Aligned” instead of “Thinking Positive”. Constantly hearing “just think positive” or “be positive” is ridiculously triggering to me. I was listening to a Go(o)d Mornings podcast and it kind of hit me. Why don’t I THINK ALIGNED instead of think positively. Dealing with depression and anxiety, my thoughts aren’t always going to be positive, and trying to convert my catastrophizing into something positive induces more frustration and anxiety. Thinking more aligned helps me to switch my thoughts to something I “do want” that is more aligned with my hearts desires and my Highest Self. I suppose the thoughts do become positive, but there isn’t as much pressure to be positive, just aligned…and sometimes aligned is really neutral for me.
10. The subtlety of words. Just like the last point I made, I have been noticing that I have been changing the word of a phrase or question to resonate better with me. For instance, the phrase “know your worth” seems fuzzy, unclear and uncomfortable to me, but “know what you deserve” feels very different and much more resonant, even though “worth” and “deserve” essentially mean the same thing.
11. My attachment style (anxious attachment) has been showing ALL the way up in my marriage. Oh my stars. This revelation has had me wanting to throw my phone across the room and have my mouth all kinds of agape. It is so wild to see that what was learned as a child shows up in my most intimate relationships. I recently got the a workbook for my attachment from The Attachment Project and I am excited + nervous to get into the work. I know that whatever work I do will be fruitful no matter what, I’m just not ready for this workbook to come for my life haha.
12. The challenges of rewiring my brain being that I am not neurotypical. This has been quite frustrating as some days, my brain flusters me, but it is the one I have and it is my work in this lifetime to yoke together with it and be able to work with it. I have my moments of complete misery, but I have been really working on not beating myself up about who I am and what experiences I have gone through to make my brain think the way that is does. I am constantly reminding myself to give myself what I need and to lean into the tools that I do have available to me.
Alright, that’s it for now. Please feel free to leave your thoughts below!