Trauma with your mama story No. 003

I was born in Rwanda (East Africa) out of wedlock to a fifteen year old mother and a twenty year old father. My mother’s family being Muslim decided to cover up the secret and made it seem like I was born to my mother's older sister who was 2months shy of giving birth at the time.

I spent the first seven years of my life between my grandma’s and my mom’s (really my aunt) place. I don't really have memories of my mum as a kid, I just remember her visiting and she seemed standoffish to me.

Fast forward to around the time I was an adolescent, by this time I had been told about my real mom after my aunt passed away due to the genocide. As a teenager I tried hard to cultivate a relationship with my mother, often creating drama with my grandmother so I could have reason to run away to my mom’s place. She in turn wouldn't even let me into her house. She would put me in the car and bring me back to my grandmother’s.

Basically, as my hormones kicked in, it became evident how little my mother wanted to do with me. This was cemented when she met a man who like any decent human would, showed interest in my upkeep and was interested in paying for my college education. For reasons I will never understand, my own mother put an end to that.

I went off to fend for myself after high school, as my mother lived her luxurious life and created a new family.

Life was good to me, I was able to find work and put myself through school. I began to get a sense of my worthiness. Then, boom! my mother decided to come back in the picture. Just when her marriage was falling apart. She would try to get me to pity her to get me to hear her out. Talking about how she's glad that when she's no longer around I would take care of my siblings. Some of whom I havent met to this day. Due to both of us moving countries a couple of times and the state of our relationship, I haven't seen my mother in about 14yrs now.

Once I had transcended the need for material comfort that I had so craved as a child, I began my healing journey. That was about 5years ago. I was forced to face my traumas. My mother had been trying to reach out but not addressing our issues. This would always upset me. This year I decided to confront her about everything and she gave me her side of the story and has been apologetic. We are in touch at the moment. We are trying to build a relationship. I have the awareness that we will not be able to recreate the child-mother bond but I keep an open mind as far as how close we can get.

Thank you for listening.
—Z.M.