Trauma with your mama story No. 013

I write this with so much guilt in my heart. Guilt learned by my mother, daughter guilt.

I love my mother with all my heart but there is resentment, dislike, and anger towards her because of her rejection, verbal abuse, and emotional neglect I received during childhood.

I remember at the age of 9 I wrote on my diary “ why doesn’t my mother love me.” I remember coming across to that diary recently and reading those words. My mother can be mean with her words, hostile and volatile when she needs to be.
I have always though “ why did she decide to have children ?”
My mother used to hit me when I was a child. One day she ripped my notebook because I couldn’t spell my name. It’s odd how my mind has stored that memory, of a 5 year old me.
My mom once dragged me and left a key mark on my arm because I “misbehaved.” My mom would threatened me whenever I didn’t behave well by saying “ if you continue behaving bad I will leave you.” I remember crying to my dad asking him “is it true ?” with tears on my eyes. She’s the reason why I have an anxious attachment with men. The reason why I have always feared of people leaving me. The reason why I have doubted if I am ever good enough for people to stay.
I grew up fearing my mother. She was not the person that I felt safe to go to about any of problems.
Even now, I feel unsafe telling her anything that may be impacting my emotions.

As an adult, I have dealt with the difficulty of letting go of the hurt my mother has caused me.
My mother does not understand the concept of accountability and apologizing. There have been mere moments where she has apologized but it was because I have cried in front of her about the hurt she has caused me.
I wish my mom were like other mothers who are loving and nonjudgmental of their children, but that’s not my mother.
I am scared of ever turning as her when my time comes of being a mother. Sometimes I notice acting like my mother, becoming easily irritable and quick to lash out, but luckily I have a therapist that has walked me through in unlearning and dealing with the trauma of my Mami.

Writing this aches my heart because I feel as if I am betraying her. However, writing this will take me a step closer of healing from the hurt my mother has caused me. Writing this will help me in my journey of healing and ultimately releasing the hurt.

Mami, I love you so much. All I want is your acceptance, validation and nurture. All I want is for you to be compassionate and loving towards me. All I want is for you to become the mother I have always wanted.

Who knows if she would ever change and be that mother I want her to be. That’s the part that hurts, having hope because hope is better than grieving the mother I have always wished to have.

—E.L.