Easing the Pain Through the Change

We all know that change is the only part of life that is constant and consistent.

Personally, there have been (way too) many changes happening simultaneously at once and I have been doing as much as I can to mitigate the pain and discomfort that usually accompanies said change. I am at the point of my life where I refuse to struggle or subject myself to unnecessary pain to learn, evolve or ascend. In the same breath, I also understand that pain is not something any one of us can completely avoid in life.

With that being said, I have been on this journey consciously for almost ten years and there are quite a few solutions that I have found to be helpful in keeping me regulated as much as possible. The thing about actually being “conscious” or as the kids say, “woke”, it is A LOT. Being constantly aware of your mental and internal state can prove to be overwhelming. On top of that, most people do not understand the level of self-control one must have to NOT revert back to the person you were and be a complete asshole. Doing the work is actual work. Daily, hourly, momentary WORK.

I have noticed that as I continue on this healing path, my ego tends to put up more of a fight. Just this morning, I felt so much anxiety over wanting to control a situation and control an outcome. It physically consumed me. I noticed that I was breathing shallowly and my body was not moving. I recognized the root of this patterned thought process a couple of weeks ago. There is a deep fear of being/growing old alone AND there is this deep desire to be desired that does not feel entirely mine; it feels ancestral. In that moment where I was literally frozen, I asked myself why I am trying to control the situation and what would happen if I released that control knowing that what is for me is for me and that what is for me always finds me? The thing about changing neural pathways, or change in general, is that there needs to be something affirming to replace the undesired thought or behavior.

I started by looking at the limiting beliefs that I have and had. I got curious and examined their points of origin. Then I created new/counter affirmations to literally say out loud. For example a core fear is: “I am unlovable and I will end up alone.” That is literally not a true statement even though my mind and my wounds try to tell me that it is. My counter statement to that fear is, “I am easy to love. I love easily. I have people that care about me and I trust that the right people will be placed in my life at the right moments.” Of course I have so much more and this is one example of what comes up for me.

Most limiting beliefs are quite outlandish and negative or punishing in nature, so start with the most obvious ones and keep going deeper to uncover the sneaky subtle limiting beliefs that.

My daily affirmation that I repeat aloud is:

I release the need to control everything. I release the expectations of outcomes. What is for me is for me; what is for me always finds me. (that last part was originally “what is for me cannot miss me”, but I am working on speaking more in the affirmative).

I have also been making sure I eat healthy and nutrient dense food. My body is my vehicle and all of the movement + changes that are happening internally, emotionally, mentally and spiritually will have an effect on my physical body. I make sure I take vitamins and supplements. I have been being more mindful about my water and sugar intake. I do what I can to get as much rest as I can as I undergo a deep internal transformation.

Rituals have proved to be pertinent in my daily life and pivotal for my journey. The rituals that have been nourishing for me have been:

• Morning rituals- Every morning after I brush my teeth and wash my face, I journal to get my thoughts out and pull tarot cards to receive wisdom from my Spirit Team. After that, I do a bit of pranayama (specifically Nadi Shodhana to get as energetically balanced as I can).

• Movement- I have been incorporating movement daily whether it be a light stretch (particularly for my legs, hips and back), a light workout, or a brief walk in the sun, I do my best to keep my body moving. When I have the time and capacity for more movement, I will do more.

• Plant medicine- I have been a plant medicine connoisseur for YEARS. Plant medicine has literally saved my life. Between CBD, adaptogens and nervine tonics + sedatives, herbs have played a major role in my daily rituals. I incorporate them as often as I can because heaven knows that my nervous system needs all of the support that it can get. Dealing with trauma, depression and anxiety while going though major life changes is NO joke.

• Reading- If you have been with me for a while, you will know that I have been intentional about reading books written by people who have shared life experiences with me. Woman-identified and/ or Black authors have been nourishing my soul for the past couple of years. In the midst of my upheaval, I have been rereading Pleasure Activism by adrienne maree brown (you can read my book review here) and all about love by bell hooks. Also to mention for good measure is the book Dear Senthuran by Akwaeke Emezi (to be clear they are a Nigerian trans author). Words have always played a major role in my life so intentionally going back to them in my time of overwhelm feels very comforting. It is so interesting how books and words hit differently depending on where you are in life.

Of course there are more rituals that I engage and in and rituals that you may find that are more aligned for you. I encourage you to lean into what feels the best for you in this moment.

Lastly, I have been very intentional about calling in what I need and asking for help. Intention is everything so first I do my best to clear distractions so that I can be as clear as I can about what it is that I DO want and what I want to call in to support me in manifesting my desires. If I am unclear about what I want, I will be unclear about what it is that I need and therefore cannot accurately ask anyone outside of myself for help. My best varies from day to day and sometimes my best will not align for those around me and I have to be okay with that. When I do receive help, I have been telling myself that I am WORTHY of being supported by my community and if they are unable to help me in the way that I requested, that it is not a sign of my character or a measure of my worthiness. (<-the limiting beliefs that I am unworthy and simultaneously not (good) enough are daily points of growth for me.)

All in all, if you take anything away from this, I ask that it be to remember to be gentle with yourself. The world is already wild and I would love it if you showed yourself grace through the change.

If you haven’t already, please download these free guides: Keep Calm, Spiritual Hygiene Checklist and FOR BLACK WOMEN+ WHO FEEL LIKE THEY'VE HAD ENOUGH.